its depressing to go home

It’s been a month of no work for me. Rest. And of course, no money. I decided to resign from my work because of a lot of things. First, I wasn’t enjoying it anymore. Second, the schedule (I have split off which is tue/fri but my mom has only one off which is sunday). Third, I had to go home because my mom is getting depressed.

It all started with the typhoon ondoy. During that particular storm, I wasn’t really aware that it’s gonna be that destructive but anyway I woke up and my dad shouting on the top of his lungs like he always does to get what he wants. I had to get up. I went outside first to see what was the commotion about and was shocked to see that I was raining so hard and the river water beside our house is rising up fast. Flood. I immediately went to the garage to get the clothes and put my cellphone down. To my surprise my dad went and come to get it. He wouldn’t let go and insist that I go fix his fucking tv. There was a typhoon - HELLO. Bottomline - he smashed my cellphone into pieces. It wasn’t much; the value of the phone BUT it was given to me by my auntie from states. All the sentimental value, shattered plus the fact that all my contacts were stored in that particular phone. Stupid of me not to save it in my sim. I was crying and very angry. I have had enough. To make the long story short, I left home. It’s not worth it to stay. I have a stressful work and when I go home it’s still loads of stress for me. I can’t even have a decent sleep. I was earning and I rented. I can support myself. I would only go home, only once a week. I was happy and even gained weight.

Christmas came. I had to work. As the end of the year approaches, some of my workmates already decided to resign. I too was thinking of the same thing. I sacrificed a lot of things and I wasn’t really earning much. In addition, my mom keep texting me that she is getting depressed. Why wouldn’t she be? On Christmas day she didn’t prepare anything and my brother next to me went to Lumban (Laguna) to spend the Holiday with his achay girlfriend. It’s gonna be the new year and am I still going to work? I felt guilty because I’m happy while my mom suffers alone. Forget the double pay. January 30, I passed my resignation letter. After two months of being away, I went home.

It’s been a month that I don’t have work nor money but NO regrets. I’m still looking for a job and so far I’m hoping to get one soon. I don’t want to stay at the home like I used to.

The first two weeks of me not having a job is sort off like a rest and a vacation. As the weeks pass by, its becoming torture. Honestly, I can’t sleep normally anymore. So, daytime I’m asleep and during night time, I find it very hard to sleep. When I went back, it’s different. Dad is quieter now because somebody attends to him already and the he doesn’t remember me anymore which I find convenient. He’s still hyper during the morning though. He and my mom is my alarm clock during the morning. Shouting and curses flying everywhere. There’s no TV and there’s no DVD. There’s no computer and there’s no internet. I would die of boredom.

In order to spend my time, I go outside. I’m either I’m at my boyfriend’s house or in the 24 hour internet cafe. It’s useless to go home anyway. It’s just way too depressing for me. I feel that I’m not part of my family. I don’t get along with my dad or my brother. I just wanna leave. My mom never understands that. I understand her circumstances that she feels like she’s a single parent. I tried complaining and what I got was just sumbat. Maybe I am selfish but I’m sick of it already. I know that she is my mom and worrying for her child will never go away.But when will she realize that someday I would have my own family and live somewhere else. We can’t be together 24 / 7. *Sigh